I’m still alive…thought i’d give an update for the few that might actually care or follow me on here. There’s quite a bit, so here goes…
Depression is a bitch…I’ve hammered that point home so many times it’s silly and I don’t think I need to do it anymore. It’s been off and on pretty bad lately..bordering on suicidal. Driving my car off the interstate at 80 into a tree has been appealing at times, as has downing all my depression & anxiety meds at once. Lets see, where to start. Lets start with the big one. The relationship I’ve been in for the last decade plus is now not a thing. I felt like I couldn’t get out of my own way enough and didn’t feel wanted or needed and neglected, whether that was actually the case or not. So…now i’m single, and trying to figure out my own identity. People change over time, I guess. I think I like the person I’ve turned into…I’ve just got to get out of my own shadow and get to know him, so to speak. SLOWLY starting to like doing things again…like photography, going to concerts, hanging out with people, etc. I spent the last two nights down at fellow Spina Bifida friend’s place about an hour from home just hanging out (i’m living with my parents for the time being when I’m home). The transition sucks, really bad but I have a small but solid support system…which i’m more appreciative of than anyone in it even probably knows.
As confusing as this might sound over text, I’ve only recently started to feel emotion again. It’s TERRIFYING at times but AMAZING at others. Really big peaks and valleys. I’ve also had my depression & anxiety medications played with more times than I can count over the last couple of weeks.
I’ve been just SO depressed and anxiety ridden that for the last few months I haven’t been able to do much of anything productive. Like…if I tried to, I felt like I was doing everything wrong so I just stopped living life and it got worse and worse. I’m still seeing the same counselor I’ve been seeing for the last few years, that part’s going alright…she lets me ramble on and gives feedback so it works. There are still some songs that REALLY hit me hard that never used to and I have to sort of avoid those, no matter how much I absolutely love them (7 Years by Sully Erna, Fade to Black by Metallica, Inside the Fire by Disturbed…etc).
Last weekend I went to a concert..Rise Above Fest here in town. On the main stage was Disturbed, Alter Bridge, Seether, Volbeat, and Beartooth. On the side stages in the afternoon was Killswitch Engage, Hatebreed, Memphis May Fire, We Came as Romans, and more. It was a fantastic show.
Anyways, I guess that’s all for now. I’m still playing Magic, but not as much as I used to. I just don’t have the psychological energy for it right now at the level I used to…i’m down to 1-2 times a week versus 3-4 before.
Oh and before I forget, i’ll drop my contact for the services I use here:
Blog: you’re here 🙂
I’m doing almost everything via my phone these days, except these long ass blog posts and such. Those I do on the computer.