Yes, I’m still alive..update

I’m still alive…thought i’d give an update for the few that might actually care or follow me on here.  There’s quite a bit, so here goes…

Depression is a bitch…I’ve hammered that point home so many times it’s silly and I don’t think I need to do it anymore.  It’s been off and on pretty bad lately..bordering on suicidal.  Driving my car off the interstate at 80 into a tree has been appealing at times, as has downing all my depression & anxiety meds at once.  Lets see, where to start.  Lets start with the big one.  The relationship I’ve been in for the last decade plus is now not a thing.  I felt like I couldn’t get out of my own way enough and didn’t feel wanted or needed and neglected, whether that was actually the case or not.  So…now i’m single, and trying to figure out my own identity.  People change over time, I guess. I think I like the person I’ve turned into…I’ve just got to get out of my own shadow and get to know him, so to speak.  SLOWLY starting to like doing things again…like photography, going to concerts, hanging out with people, etc.  I spent the last two nights down at fellow Spina Bifida friend’s place about an hour from home just hanging out (i’m living with my parents for the time being when I’m home).   The transition sucks, really bad but I have a small but solid support system…which i’m more appreciative of than anyone in it even probably knows.

As confusing as this might sound over text, I’ve only recently started to feel emotion again.  It’s TERRIFYING at times but AMAZING at others.   Really big peaks and valleys.  I’ve also had my depression & anxiety medications played with more times than I can count over the last couple of weeks.

I’ve been just SO depressed and anxiety ridden that for the last few months I haven’t been able to do much of anything productive.  Like…if I tried to, I felt like I was doing everything wrong so I just stopped living life and it got worse and worse.  I’m still seeing the same counselor I’ve been seeing for the last few years, that part’s going alright…she lets me ramble on and gives feedback so it works.  There are still some songs that REALLY hit me hard that never used to and I have to sort of avoid those, no matter how much I absolutely love them (7 Years by Sully Erna, Fade to Black by Metallica, Inside the Fire by Disturbed…etc).


Last weekend I went to a concert..Rise Above Fest here in town.   On the main stage was Disturbed, Alter Bridge, Seether, Volbeat, and Beartooth.  On the side stages in the afternoon was Killswitch Engage, Hatebreed, Memphis May Fire, We Came as Romans, and more.  It was a fantastic show.

Anyways, I guess that’s all for now.  I’m still playing Magic, but not as much as I used to.  I just don’t have the psychological energy for it right now at the level I used to…i’m down to 1-2 times a week versus 3-4 before.

Oh and before I forget, i’ll drop my contact for the services I use here:

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I’m doing almost everything via my phone these days, except these long ass blog posts and such.  Those I do on the computer.

update…feeling pretty good

I know I haven’t posted in FOREVER on here but truth be told, the depression was really…really getting to me.  To the point where I didn’t want to do anything or deal with anyone.  Sloth mode x9000.  Depression sucks, plain and simple.  I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve never been bad enough that I didn’t want to exist in this world anymore, because I’ve been there.  That being said, I don’t think I could off myself no matter how bad it got.  My counselor has been playing around with my meds a little and now i’m also on a medication for restless leg syndrome which also helps to relax me so I can sleep at night..the effects are similar to melatonin (which I also take if I want to REALLY sleep).  Requip is an interesting med i’m on…I can’t figure out if i’m supposed to take it in the morning or at night, as it seems to have the opposite effect of how it’s intended to work.  Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway, I don’t know why, but over the last two or three days, I’ve felt great..emotionally and mentally.  It’s catching me off guard as I forgot what it’s like to be able to think clear.  Life is still the same, the frustrations that get to me are still there.

I also saw an article on Facebook that I had to share on here about sports and not starting.

Tired of everything…literally

So…I had a sleep study done a while back (a couple months ago) and the results came back as me not having enough issues with anything per hour to say I have any problems.  The test was flawed, I was uncomfortable and wasn’t able to get to sleep at all during the study due to all the wires connected to me.

Fast forward to the last three days/nights or so.  I have been physically incapable of staying awake all day.  Take today for example: woke up at 6, back to bed at 10..planning on getting another hour or so of sleep, woke up at 1.  Went out and ran an errand, back to sleep at 4..slept until 7 (missing something I was supposed to do at 6:30).  This can’t be normal…and it’s messing with me on so many levels I can’t even comprehend them at all.  I’m struggling to even just write this.  I don’t know if it’s the medications i’m on, my lack of a diet (I literally won’t even wake up to eat), or what it is.  All I know is I’ve gotta get it figured out or I might not be around to make these sporadic posts…I’d write more, but I can’t brain anymore tonight.  Depression combined with sleeping issues is terrible and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Sleep.. Or lack there of

So, life has been just fantastic lately. I’ve been snoring so loud that I’ve been sleeping alone as of late.. That makes me feel just freaking fantastic. Because of this, I’ve been sleeping like garbage. I have an appointment scheduled with a respiratory place that will probably lead to a sleeping study but that’s a few weeks off. It’s been hell and I’m getting tired of living with myself. Doesn’t help the whole self worth and depression thong, either. Seems like if it’s not one thing, it’s two or three more. FML

A little concert fun

I haven’t posted on here in a while..partly because I haven’t had anything relevant to say, and partly because I haven’t had any motivation to do much of anything lately.  I don’t know what’s up with me lately, but I can’t lose weight, am sleeping at very odd hours (we’re talking like..3am to 11am-ish), and have literally next to no energy during the day when I am awake.  The whole depression thing is a factor too, I think.  I may need a medication change to deal with the world around me, or maybe I just need to learn how to deal with it better.  Things that once gave me happiness aren’t doing so anymore.  I was ignoring it at first, but it’s growing and I don’t like it.  It’s not that I actively don’t care or dislike things I once liked, it’s more like ‘meh’ toward just about everything.

Anyways, onto the title of this post: concerts.  This past Satuarday (May 9) I went to a concert here in town, Rise Above Fest.  The show was headlined by Papa Roach, Slash ft. Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators, Seether, and Godsmack (All That Remains was also on the main stage) but that’s not what I’m here to talk about.  It was an amazing show and Slash’s set absolutely stole it.  I spent the time before the main stage opened over watching the two smaller stages they had set up for the lesser known bands to play on during the afternoon.  In Flames, Tremonti, Butcher Babies, Nonpoint, and Unlocking the Truth were the bands playing during the afternoon.  I parked myself (I used my wheelchair because I figured it’d be a lot of walking around, more than I’m capable of at the moment) pretty close to the stages to start off with, and as people filtered in and out, I moved closer and closer until by the time In Flames (the last act on the small stages) went on, I was directly in front leaning on the gate.  At one point during their set, they decided they wanted some mosh pits to start.  Now, keep in mind that this is quite a small area for such a thing.  Two or three pits got started, one in front of the other stage and one directly beside me that I know of.  I was having a good time right up front but was sort of nervous about the pit being so close (and the crowd surfers coming directly over my head, but that’s a whole other thing).  It ended up being a great experience on several levels.  Several of the people around me formed a sort of barrier, getting in between me and the people in the pit…it was great stuff.  After the show, after the crowd filtered out, the drummer came out and gave me his sticks…so that was pretty cool.

Tonight, I went to the regular Monday Modern event at my local game shop.  I went 3-1, should’ve probably been 2-2 with affinity.  I need to learn how to count better, apparently.  I wrote the first part of this post this afternoon and the rest this evening, by the way.  Tonight I’m not doing well at all.  I think something’s going screwy with my medications.  I feel like I want to just shut down and not do anything ever, and the stuff I do get done, even if it’s a good thing, I seem to not care as much (if at all) anymore.  I feel clouded, it’s really strange.  It’s getting to the point where it’s starting to affect me physically, I think.  or that could be just that I haven’t eaten all day..I don’t know.  Sigh..