Crash and small recovery

I know I haven’t posted in a while but I figured it was about time for an update.  In mid June, I went back to Pine Tree Camp. I hadn’t been back as a camper since 2001. I had such an amazing time…met some new awesome people and was able to solidify a couple of other friendships I’d made when I visited for a day the last two years.  I got to do some things that I haven’t done for years like archery and kayaking, and just hang out for 6 days away from reality and be around people who have had similar life experience.
Anyway, about three or four days after camp, I hit a major depression spike. I didn’t want to wake up or do anything at all for a solid 3 weeks. It is very hard to describe. I wasn’t suicidal, but at the same time I didn’t care at all if I woke up from frequent naps or in the morning.  I did miss being at camp and a lot of the people there, but it was way deeper than that. I felt like I’d lost some part of myself when I left.  I missed being around like minded individuals that I liked being around.

Sometime in the middle of this, I decided I wanted to try eating better and see if that would help lose a few pounds.  It hasn’t really helped in that regard as of yet, but as of the last week or so my energy levels have gone up quite a bit, as has my optimism.  I actually had one friend think I was going manic due to the change.  I do think in going to need an adjustment to my anxiety medication, that has been kinda high… especially at night when I’m trying to sleep.  I also take 10mg Melatonin, so I keep on a pretty solid schedule once I do get to sleep.

I’m also putting in apartment applications looking for an accessible 1 bedroom in my area.

I guess that’s about it for now. Peace out.

Da Gimp

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Have you ever noticed that so called Social Media is killing actual socialization? Sometimes it’s necessary, like for long distance friendships but overall I think it’s damaging.

Hello, again

I know…I’ve been away forever and have been neglecting this blog.  Quite frankly, I’ve been so depressed that I’ve been asleep for upwards of 8 hours a day, plus a pretty normal 10 to about 7 sleep schedule.  

Life has been frustrating in some ways, and great in others.  Been doing the dating thing…that hasn’t gone so great.  A couple months ago I destroyed the lower foot part of my kafo (knee ankle foot orthesis).  When I went in to get my new set (I’d had this set for 3.5 years) after being casted, the molding didn’t quite fit on the foot…and the new ones are carbon fiber so not moldable.  So back to the manufacturer they went (in California). To make a long story short, the second set did not fit either so I have to be re casted again on Wednesday. Not a huge deal getting it done…just takes time. It’ll probably be a month from when I get the mold done to product arriving for me.  I swear I’m gonna choke a bitch if the third set doesn’t fit. 

Now that it’s getting a little warmer out, I’m hoping that my tiredness goes away for the most part so I can be a useful member of society.  I’ve also been plugging away at the electric guitar…self teaching. I know A D and E and I’m trying to learn G now. After I learn G I’ll go back and learn the minors for each of those.  

I’ve also been out camera shooting a little over the last week. I did one location for the Kenduskeag Stream canoe race…got lots of good shots at that. We also have a bald eagle nest practically in my back yard…and I was fortunate enough to get a couple of nice shots last week.  

I guess that’s about it.  The rest of the post is some photos I’ve shot lately with my Canon 80D.

Yes, I’m still alive..update

I’m still alive…thought i’d give an update for the few that might actually care or follow me on here.  There’s quite a bit, so here goes…

Depression is a bitch…I’ve hammered that point home so many times it’s silly and I don’t think I need to do it anymore.  It’s been off and on pretty bad lately..bordering on suicidal.  Driving my car off the interstate at 80 into a tree has been appealing at times, as has downing all my depression & anxiety meds at once.  Lets see, where to start.  Lets start with the big one.  The relationship I’ve been in for the last decade plus is now not a thing.  I felt like I couldn’t get out of my own way enough and didn’t feel wanted or needed and neglected, whether that was actually the case or not.  So…now i’m single, and trying to figure out my own identity.  People change over time, I guess. I think I like the person I’ve turned into…I’ve just got to get out of my own shadow and get to know him, so to speak.  SLOWLY starting to like doing things again…like photography, going to concerts, hanging out with people, etc.  I spent the last two nights down at fellow Spina Bifida friend’s place about an hour from home just hanging out (i’m living with my parents for the time being when I’m home).   The transition sucks, really bad but I have a small but solid support system…which i’m more appreciative of than anyone in it even probably knows.

As confusing as this might sound over text, I’ve only recently started to feel emotion again.  It’s TERRIFYING at times but AMAZING at others.   Really big peaks and valleys.  I’ve also had my depression & anxiety medications played with more times than I can count over the last couple of weeks.

I’ve been just SO depressed and anxiety ridden that for the last few months I haven’t been able to do much of anything productive.  Like…if I tried to, I felt like I was doing everything wrong so I just stopped living life and it got worse and worse.  I’m still seeing the same counselor I’ve been seeing for the last few years, that part’s going alright…she lets me ramble on and gives feedback so it works.  There are still some songs that REALLY hit me hard that never used to and I have to sort of avoid those, no matter how much I absolutely love them (7 Years by Sully Erna, Fade to Black by Metallica, Inside the Fire by Disturbed…etc).

 

Last weekend I went to a concert..Rise Above Fest here in town.   On the main stage was Disturbed, Alter Bridge, Seether, Volbeat, and Beartooth.  On the side stages in the afternoon was Killswitch Engage, Hatebreed, Memphis May Fire, We Came as Romans, and more.  It was a fantastic show.

Anyways, I guess that’s all for now.  I’m still playing Magic, but not as much as I used to.  I just don’t have the psychological energy for it right now at the level I used to…i’m down to 1-2 times a week versus 3-4 before.

Oh and before I forget, i’ll drop my contact for the services I use here:

Instagram: metalligimp
Blog: you’re here 🙂
Facebook: facebook.com/metalligimp
Twitter: @metalligimp
Tumblr: metalligimp

I’m doing almost everything via my phone these days, except these long ass blog posts and such.  Those I do on the computer.

update…feeling pretty good

I know I haven’t posted in FOREVER on here but truth be told, the depression was really…really getting to me.  To the point where I didn’t want to do anything or deal with anyone.  Sloth mode x9000.  Depression sucks, plain and simple.  I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve never been bad enough that I didn’t want to exist in this world anymore, because I’ve been there.  That being said, I don’t think I could off myself no matter how bad it got.  My counselor has been playing around with my meds a little and now i’m also on a medication for restless leg syndrome which also helps to relax me so I can sleep at night..the effects are similar to melatonin (which I also take if I want to REALLY sleep).  Requip is an interesting med i’m on…I can’t figure out if i’m supposed to take it in the morning or at night, as it seems to have the opposite effect of how it’s intended to work.  Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway, I don’t know why, but over the last two or three days, I’ve felt great..emotionally and mentally.  It’s catching me off guard as I forgot what it’s like to be able to think clear.  Life is still the same, the frustrations that get to me are still there.

I also saw an article on Facebook that I had to share on here about sports and not starting.  http://coachfore.org/2016/01/16/my-son-did-not-start-today/

Tired of everything…literally

So…I had a sleep study done a while back (a couple months ago) and the results came back as me not having enough issues with anything per hour to say I have any problems.  The test was flawed, I was uncomfortable and wasn’t able to get to sleep at all during the study due to all the wires connected to me.

Fast forward to the last three days/nights or so.  I have been physically incapable of staying awake all day.  Take today for example: woke up at 6, back to bed at 10..planning on getting another hour or so of sleep, woke up at 1.  Went out and ran an errand, back to sleep at 4..slept until 7 (missing something I was supposed to do at 6:30).  This can’t be normal…and it’s messing with me on so many levels I can’t even comprehend them at all.  I’m struggling to even just write this.  I don’t know if it’s the medications i’m on, my lack of a diet (I literally won’t even wake up to eat), or what it is.  All I know is I’ve gotta get it figured out or I might not be around to make these sporadic posts…I’d write more, but I can’t brain anymore tonight.  Depression combined with sleeping issues is terrible and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.